You don’t have to fake orgasm to help your partner’s ego. The guy I lost my virginity to wrote a play about the experience, and the character based on me gave a monologue about how she regretted sleeping with him because no one else would ever be that good. So, yeah. Just tell him you didn’t cum.
I just need you all to know that sign D53, meaning male, is the determinative for poison which is also the same word as semen. Because the Egyptians knew what was what.
Also that to discuss something involves TWO dicks.
Leslie: As a deceased U.S. president, Leslie Knope is spending eternity learning the intimate details of every life she and her policies ruined during her time in office.
Ben: Ben is regressed to 18 and spends all his time building and managing Ice Towns, usually in the desert and watching them fail in new and horrible ways each time. He’s also going to be wearing roller blades, boyshorts and a leather neck tie for the rest of time, and everything after that as well.
Tom: Tom Haverford, Baller, is wearing just slightly too tight burlap tighty-wighties and a 3XL Pawnee Tricentennial t-shirt. He’s ringing up beautiful clothes, in a cold store. He’s desperately focused! There’s a Celebrity two registers behind him!
April: April is a flight attendant on an infinitely long plane. If she ever stops smiling, she receives a strong electric shock.
Andy: Andy is spending eternity in a pig crate, wearing a bespoke three piece suit and being force-fed hot dogs. Is he up to his mouth in his own shit? Yes.
Ann: Ann lead a reasonably moral, if unremarkable life. She is naked and running through flaming brambles forever.
Chris: Even though his body continues to age, nobody else in this gym he can’t leave until he’s young and beautiful again has that problem.
Ron: While Ron does data entry in an office with an open floor plan and a “strong office culture,” there’s a socialist utopia absolutely raging outside.
Craig: He’s still managing the parks department and it isn’t so bad, except all of his teeth have been fused into one enormous ‘uni-tooth’, so he can’t talk or unclench his jaw.
Donna: Donna is like 99.9% sure she’s in the good place, but every so often she gets bored out of her mind for, like, years.
Jerry/Larry/Gary: He’s pretty sure Donna’s in the good place, because they probably wouldn’t be pen pals if they weren’t.
